Janet & Michael

Author: Megan Wynne-Jones, Getting Married project

Getting Married: In the crypt of St Mary's Cathedral in the heart of Sydney, the couple come together in a ceremony of marriage. It is October 18, 2002. Janet, recently converted to Catholicism, and Michael, a lifelong Catholic, are about to become husband and wife. With their children, they are also forming a blended family...

A cathedral wedding with all the trimmings

As the bells of St Mary's Cathedral peal out and the St Scholastica's Islander Girls Choir warmly sings a greeting, guests arrive to take their seats in the softly lit crypt of the cathedral. The bride, dressed in white and veiled, makes her entrance and is escorted up the aisle by her father to where the groom, dressed in a three-piece suit, is waiting at the edge of the beautifully embellished mosaic floor, designed in the shape of a Celtic cross. The choir, with Janet's brother as a soloist, sings “The Flower of Maherally”. This Irish song was chosen as much to reflect the groom's feelings for his bride, as to honour Michael's Irish ancestry. It also celebrates the Irish nature of the crypt itself where some of the first priests who came out to Australia, many from Ireland, are buried.

The priest, Father Tony Doherty, Dean of St Mary's Cathedral, welcomes the couple and their guests and sets the informal yet dignified tone of the occasion by explaining the significance of the religious ceremony. The meaning of the Catholic mass can be expressed in a contemporary way as a gathering together of people, a telling of stories and a breaking of bread.

He asks for a moment of quiet from the congregation, in order to get in touch with the mystery that is being celebrated through the marriage of this couple. He reads a prayer, and then friends read poems carefully chosen by the couple. These include Judith Wright's poem “In Praise of Marriage”, and Michael Leunig's “We Welcome Summer”.

(Michael) We're getting married later in life, we have a whole history and life we've lived without each other and now we've met each other it's been a real spring, a real re-birth…(for) the twelve months we've known each other. And now there's an emergence into summer and the joy and excitement we feel about living the rest of our lives together is like that expectation of the arrival of the summer...

A psalm follows, with music written by Janet, one of many musical offerings in this wedding, rich with the choral music that is so much a part of Janet's life.

After a reading from the gospel, and the traditional homily or religious discourse given by the priest, the couple are ready to exchange their vows.

The vows and the rings
As the couple declare that they have come freely and without reservation to give themselves to each other in marriage, Father Doherty invites them to join their right hands and declare their consent before God and the Church.

“To have and to hold, from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health. I will love and honour you all the days of my life.”

The rings are then exchanged and the traditional vow repeated.

“With this ring, I thee wed, in the name of the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit, Amen.”

The rings have an especially personal symbolic meaning for the couple. Their jeweller added to the molten 22 carat gold small amounts of materials that are the traditional gifts for the 60 years of wedding anniversaries: paper, cotton, wood etc. From the ingot that was produced, their two rings were created, soft enough to allow scoring to mark the achievements of the couple's life together, and heavy enough so that they know they are married. Janet also had set in her ring the diamond from her grandmother's engagement ring.

Prayers of the faithful
Individual prayers, written by the speakers, are offered by the couple's children and by the couple themselves.

Michael's son reads a prayer

Yilpi, Janet's 14 year old daughter, offers a prayer for the marriage of her mother to Michael: “I pray that Mum and Michael's life together will bring them happiness and fulfillment, I hope all their dreams come true.”

Standing next to her, before the congregation of friends and family, are Michael's two sons, Ben, aged 15, and Tim, aged 10. Tim offers a short prayer: “I pray that Janet and Daddy have a happy married life for eternity and I love them both very much.” Ben follows: “We pray that all married couples, fiancés, newlyweds and people who love each other are made forever happy by one another's presence.”
The assembled guests are also invited to a moment of silent prayer and well wishes for the whole family.

Offertory
When Janet's mother and Michael's mother bring forward the gifts of bread, water and wine for the forthcoming Eucharist, the choirs sing the prayer of St Francis of Assisi, “Lord, make me an instrument of thy peace'' which, especially meaningfully, has been musically arranged by the two mothers.

Eucharist
Eucharist means thanksgiving and is the sacrament of the Lord's Supper, which took place the night before his death. It includes the bread and wine which was partaken of by the Apostles, or followers of Christ, at that meal. When consecrated, the bread is known as the host or body, the wine as the blood of Christ. Christ's words at that meal are repeated: “Take this all of you and eat from it, this is my body. Take this all of you and drink from it, this is the cup of my blood. The blood of the new and everlasting covenant… Do this in memory of me.”

Communion
At this sacred moment small bells are rung and Janet and Michael receive the communion from the priest, by drinking a sip of wine and eating a wafer of bread. During this the choirs sing the Sanctus Benedictus and Agnus Dei, traditional Roman Catholic elements of the mass.

A final blessing is bestowed by Father Doherty, a prayer of thanks is given and the couple then move to the side of the crypt for the signing of the marriage papers, during which the poem “We Welcome Summer” is repeated, this time as a song.

Getting together

From the beginning…
Janet and Michael had met at the 40th birthday party of a mutual friend in October 2001. Three years previously, the same friend, acting on a hunch that the two of them would get on well, had given Janet's phone number to Michael and urged him to ring her. Michael had bravely done so, but it was on the eve of an overseas trip that Janet was making, and the initial contact didn't develop. Not until they finally met at the party three years later did their relationship quickly blossom. They went out on their first date soon after, and within a week were virtually living together. Marriage was discussed early on in the relationship.

(Janet) I had actually decided, probably six months before I met Michael, that I wanted to get married and the next person I would be with I would marry… Just before we met…I was talking about marriage, just tossing around the ideas, thinking about what sort of music I'd have at my wedding you know…as if I was painting a picture of what I wanted…which I'd never ever done, you know. I was never the sort of kid or teenager who thought about marriage at all. It took me a long time, until now — I'm 39 — to think, ‘yes, I'm ready to do that,' so to me it's just incredible how it's happened.”

As his son confirms, Michael maintained that he would never re-marry. But on meeting Janet he changed his mind.

For me it's much more about meeting Janet. She felt perfect to me, as if my imagination had given birth.

Photo call at St Mary's Cathedral, Sydney

Some things stay the same…
In planning the marriage, Janet was keen for the date to be set as near as possible to a year after they had met. She also liked the idea of a formal proposal from Michael, and the date for this was set for Valentine's Day, so that they should be engaged for six months before the wedding. It was important for her to know that there was no expectation from Michael that she would say yes. With a sapphire ring already chosen, and a hotel room booked for the night, Michael proposed and Janet accepted. Janet also wanted Michael to ask her father for permission to marry her.

It's interesting to freely choose to follow old tradition. We're post-post-modern people… Going back to that way of doing things I find really satisfying.

For his part, Michael invited Roger, Janet's father, for dinner and was pleased to receive a blessing on the marriage, from both Janet's parents.

Marriage is a union of families so it's a bit like saying I'd like to be part of this family, the Swain family, and Janet would like me to speak to you about that…

In another adaptation of an old tradition, Michael and Janet had also planned a week of celibacy before their wedding, a symbolic recreation of the pre-wedding state, or the aspiration to be “born-again virgins” in Janet's words.

Catholic conversion
The Catholic marriage ceremony was a natural choice for them. Michael was brought up Catholic, and has remained so.

I didn't question my faith at all probably until my early 30s and strangely enough it confirmed me in the fact that I was very happy being a Catholic…

Janet was brought up as a Methodist. Her father was a Methodist minister but he left the church when Janet was a child. She has always been interested in the spiritual life but has followed no particular religious practice. However her interest in Catholicism has become more serious in the past few years, and meeting Michael was the impetus to undertake conversion. She explains that it was not a necessity in order for them to have a Catholic wedding, but that a ceremony where one of the couple is non-Catholic would not include the full nuptial mass.

In order to convert, Janet began a nine-month process of weekly meetings with Father Doherty and a small group of others. She says that Father Doherty's approach was supportive of an enquiring mind.

We would just talk about all kinds of things, from Catholic history to current events to the big problems going on in the Catholic church at the moment, and then sometimes we would read a gospel and we'd talk about that; we'd pull it apart and go, ‘well, what is this about?'.

Her confirmation took place a month before the wedding, and was a slightly embarrassing experience because she didn't know the words! Father Doherty's unconventional instruction hadn't included that.

After the wedding

As the couple and their families and friends leave the crypt, the Islander Girls sing them on their way. Photographs are taken on the steps of the cathedral and, in the surrounding garden, champagne and sandwiches are served. Finally the wedding cake is cut, and short speeches made.

The couple make their way to the nearby Botanical Gardens, accompanied by two musicians playing drum and whistle. In the restaurant at the gardens, food and drink are served and speeches are made by the groom's father, the bride's parents, Janet and Michael themselves and the best man. The evening is filled with music, provided by friends of Janet who play jazz. The children perform a medley rap item, organised by Ben.

As the couple prepare to leave they discover that their car has been decorated with shaving cream and filled with polystyrene balls!

The children's story
Yilpi, Ben and Tim talk about marriage.

>> Read their story

Life together

The wedding over, Janet and Michael have planned a simple honeymoon, a week away at Seal Rocks several hours north of Sydney, and then a slow return home for a quiet week in Sydney.

They have both thought about what is needed to sustain a marriage. Janet wants to ensure that the familiarity that ensues from daily domesticity does not damage their relationship, and that they are careful to avoid negative habits. Michael thinks that communication and respect are important, and hopes that the natural interest and wonder that drew them to each other can be kept alive.

In the words of Judith Wright, from her poem “In Praise of Marriage”, chosen for the wedding:

Out of the I and the you,
Spreads this field of power,
That all that waits may come,
All possibilities be known –
All futures step from their stone
And pasts come into flower.

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