Shajeda & Golam

Author: Mary Ann Hamilton, Getting Married project

Getting Married: Shajeda and Golam Samdani were married in Bangladesh in 1985 in what was considered then to be an unconventional arrangement. They married for love and without the approval of their families. With time, the rift between the couple and their families was mended and they were able to celebrate their marriage in the full Bengali tradition.

In the beginning

A suitable marriage partner
In the 1980s in Bangladesh the marriage of children was regarded not simply as the union of two individuals, but as an opportunity to build a relationship with another family. Parents took the task of finding a suitable marriage partner very seriously. A young man needed to have good social standing, be well educated and have good career prospects. A young woman should be from a good family, be modest and good hearted.

An unconventional marriage
In 1984 Shajeda and Golam Samdani broke with the convention of an arranged marriage and married for love. They first met during a family visit when Shajeda was still at school in Dhaka, the capital city of Bangladesh, and Golam had just started studying engineering at university in the coastal city of Chittagong. After this meeting they corresponded regularly and kept up personal contact at family gatherings.

By the time Shajeda had started her masters degree in social work at Dhaka University her family were well on the way of finding her a husband.

At the time my brother was involved in finding me a suitable husband, and in the end I had to tell him I wanted to marry Mr Samdani. They tried to stop the relationship… It was hard to convince them that the relationship was a good one …

While Golam was considered a fine young man, Shajeda’s family had hoped her marriage would be a way of forging links with a new family.

Not one wedding, but two…

The secret wedding

The sedan chair
Golam faced similar problems in convincing his family that he should marry the woman he had come to love dearly. In the face of this opposition, the young couple made arrangements to be married in secret at the house of a friend in Camilla, a town about 80 kilometres from Dhaka. On 5 May 1985 they were married by the local mowlana or priest in front of a small gathering of friends. They had a small wedding celebration and then made their way to their newly rented apartment to start their married life together.

Married life
For the first five months the Samdanis lived in virtual exile from their families, who could not accept their marriage. The pain of such a separation was eased a little by the secret visits of Golam’s mother. Her first visit was on the evening after their marriage day.

Golam’s mother came to me at night – nobody knew she was coming… I was a bit apprehensive but she hugged me and kissed me and said ‘I like you but there is a lot of difficulty with our family’. She bought a lot of things for me, rice, spices and cooking implements. She was worried we would not be able to cook or eat! It was wonderful, I felt very comforted by that…

A traditional family wedding at last
In October 1985, Shajeda and Golam received a visit from Shajeda’s elder brother who brought the news that her family had missed her and wished to build a relationship with the couple. The two families agreed to hold a wedding for the couple which would involve the traditional round of celebrations and rituals. Finally their marriage would be formally recognised by their families.

Pre-wedding ceremonies

The families set the date for the wedding and the turmeric day.

The turmeric ceremony is where the bride is covered in turmeric paste – it makes the skin bright and fresh… All my relatives were there and they started cooking for the wedding feast the next day and singing and dancing. They had lots of fun for them – but not for me I was covered in turmeric paste!

The next day Shajeda was showered and then bathed in milk and honey, and dressed in ‘first wedding sari’ which is traditionally red, the colour of youth and celebration.

The wedding ceremony
The couple were seated on a stage under a traditional canopy and the formalities began. Amidst the many tears shed by her family and friends, Shajeda was formally given to Golam in marriage.

In a Muslim wedding we have to speak these words in front of witnesses and the mowlana, the priest: ‘I will provide and maintain my wife as per Muslim sharite … I will maintain her properly’… At the end of the proceedings we say ‘I accept, I accept, I accept’.

Post-wedding ceremonies
Traditionally the bride spends the first night of her marriage at her husband’s family home. The couple’s bed is decorated with fresh flowers – jasmine and other sweet-scented blooms. The groom’s sisters lead the bride to the wedding chamber and give her a something sweet to eat.

The two weeks after the wedding are filled with parties and formalities, first observed at the groom’s home and then at the bride’s home.

This time is important – it is the time where the two families get to know each other. It is often the first time the couple meet each other’s family members and get to know who is an uncle and who is a cousin.

Life together

A moment during their wedding

Since they married in 1985 Shajeda and Golam and their two daughters have come to live and establish themselves in the western suburbs of Sydney. Here their children attend school, and both Shajeda and Golam have found work, Golam in a very new field, real estate, and Shajeda with a local Migrant Resource Centre. Through her work Shajeda is able to keep up links with the local Bangladeshi community, as well as assisting new migrants as they settle in their adopted homeland.

Shajeda and Golam’s story of marriage was very uncommon in the time when ‘love matches’ were almost unheard of. This year, 2003, they will have been married for 18 years, a testament to their enduring love they have continued to nurture throughout their marriage, family life and the adventure of migrating and settling in Sydney, Australia.

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